My name as a teenager

By Bill Cosby

It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ. He’d say, “Je-sus Christ!” And my brother Russell thought that his name was Dammit. “Dammit, will you stop all that noise?! And Jesus Christ, sit down!” One day, I’m out playing in the rain, my father yelled, “Dammit will you get back in here!” I said, “Dad, I’m Jesus Christ!”
More Bill Cosby Jokes

Minority

by Bill Maher

They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country.

Cool Gifts

by Jay Leno

So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they’re saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.
more on Obama jokes

Depressed cat

After talking his morning strol around the neighborhood,  my cat came back home ignoring me. He went straight to his closet hiding place. He was simple depressed.

Who Cares Who Started It?

Lincoln was addressing some visitors, and he said, “Some Union supporters oppose any accommodation or yielding to the South in any manner because the Confederates began the war and should be held responsible. Now this reminds me of a good story I heard once, when I lived in Illinois”.

“A farmer had a vicious bull that took after anybody who tried to cross the field. One day a neighbor climbed the fence and was soon running for his life. This man was fast, though, and he got to a tree with the bull close behind. There was no time to climb the tree, so he led the bull in a chase around the tree. He finally was able to grab the bull by the tail. The bull was now at a disadvantage. He couldn’t catch the man and he couldn’t shake him from his tail. The more they ran the madder the bull got. He pawed up the earth and bellowed until you could hear him miles away. Finally, he broke into a dead run, the man still hanging onto his tail.

“The neighbor, now dragging along behind, shouted at the bull, ‘Darn you, who commenced this fuss?’

“That’s our situation here,” summarized Lincoln. “It’s our duty to settle this fuss at the earliest possible moment, no matter who commenced it”.
More Lincoln’s humor

Ancient Bible

A little boy found a bible so old it was covered in 12 inches of dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly opened the ancient bible.
As he opened the bible he noticed a leaf. He quickly ran to his mom and said, “Look what I found mom!”
The mom asked, “What is it”?
“I think it’s Adams underwear”, replied the boy.
More Christian Jokes

Thoreau’s library

When Thoreau’s book A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers failed to sell, his publisher, in need of space, wrote to ask the author what he wished to do with the remainders: 706 of the first edition’s 1,000 copies.

Thoreau had them sent over and stowed away. “I now have a library of nearly nine hundred volumes,” he later noted in his journal, “over seven hundred of which I wrote myself.”

Attention Seeker

Theodore Roosevelt certainly never shunned the limelight. “When Theodore attends a wedding, he wants to be the bride,” his daughter Alice once declared. “And when he attends a funeral, he wants to be the corpse.”

Standing in lectures

One day during a lecture tour, Mark Twain entered a local barber shop for a shave. This, Twain told the barber, was his first visit to the town.
“You’ve chosen a good time to come,” he declared.
“Oh?” Twain replied.
“Mark Twain is going to lecture here tonight. You’ll want to go, I suppose?”
“I guess so…”
“Have you bought your ticket yet?”
“No, not yet.”
“Well, it’s sold out, so you’ll have to stand.”
“Just my luck,” said Twain with a sigh. “I always have to stand when that fellow lectures!”
More on Mark Twain’s anecdotes

Pillar and Buttress

Churchill’s wife Clementine Churchill once reproached him for non-churchgoing.
‘Ah, my dear Clemmy,’ replied Winston. ‘You are like a great pillar. You support the church from the inside. But I am a flying buttress. I support it from the outside.’